So I run to the bank on my lunch hour today.  And on my way back, I’m driving along 360, minding the speed limit, traffic is light…and this woman in a white car pulls up behind me and starts tailgating me.

I hate being tailgated.  I hate seeing other people get tailgated.  I hate riding in a car where the driver is tailgating someone.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  It puts me into a murderous rage.  It makes me want to bring down all manner of furious plagues upon those who would ride too close to the bumper in front of them. 

It wasn’t like there was a lot of traffic.  Hell there was NO traffic.  She could’ve easily switched lanes and passed me, but no, she had to make like a hound dog and sniff the ass of my car with her car.  If a kitten had run out in the road and I had hit the brakes, she would have slammed right into me, no question about it.  None.  So I switch lanes, thinking at first that I’m going to just let her pass me and let my blood stop boiling later…

…but what’s that in front of me in the other lane?  Why, it’s an old Suburban going about the same speed as I was.  I checked my rearview and sure enough, the white car was catching up, ready to pass me, and would soon catch up to the Suburban ahead.  Whether she would tailgate itor actually change lanes and go around remained to be seen, but I couldn’t let an opportunity like this pass me by.  I stepped on the accelerator and caught up to the Suburban until I was neck and neck with it…and I decelerated…and watched in my rearview as the lady in the white car pulled in behind me, thinking that I was going to pass that old Suburban.  But did I?  NO!  I COASTED NECK AND NECK WITH THAT SON OF A BITCH!  I don’t recall laughing out loud, but the vengeful bastard inside me was hyperventilating with laughter at the thought of that woman being stuck behind me and that big ass Suburban, unable to pass, unable to accelerate, frustrated by my cunning vehicular skills. 

That lasted for about a minute, but then I had to exit the highway.  Otherwise I would have gone like that all the way to 71.  I hope she was late wherever she was going…or better yet, I hope she was so pissed off about being forced to slow down that she overcompensated by driving really fast and got pulled over, but tried to get out of the ticket by working up some fake tears, but the cop was a big mean mullet sporting lesbian warrior of a woman who laughed at her pathetic tears and took great joy in writing up that citation.  That’s what I hope happened.

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Comments

Anonymous

2003-07-09T20:53:28.000Z

“I brake for tailgaters.” -Allen V., wants to put that on a bumper sticker.