So we’re having this work outing this afternoon for my um, department, and because I’m lazy and because I want you to get the tone of this thing, I am just going to cut and paste pieces of the description from our intranet:

Client Services will be having their next outing on Friday, April 30th… Are you ready for the Urban Challenge?

The object of the Urban Challenge is to visit twelve checkpoints in correct order and return to event headquarters within the time limit. The first team back with the highest number of correct checkpoints wins.

Teams are encouraged to wear matching apparel! Wear a DMi shirt!

The only allowed methods of travel are by foot or local public mass transportation — city bus, ferry, train, or trolley. Any and all other methods of transportation, including, but not limited to, any form of private transportation, car, taxicab, limousine, skateboard, scooter, Segway, motorcycle, skates, pedicab and rickshaw are strictly prohibited. Any team using a disallowed form of transportation will be immediately and summarily disqualified.

Teams receive a Checkpoint Clue Sheet moments before they’re released from event headquarters. The locations of all twelve checkpoints are embedded in the clues on the Checkpoint Clue Sheet. Your team’s starting checkpoint will also be marked.

Raise your hand if that sounds like fun, cuz it sounds like a big pain in the ass to me.  Fortunately, I’m on a team with several other un-competitive types such as myself, so I think we’re going to find ourselves a bar and throw back a few pints.

 

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Comments

E!

2004-04-30T21:24:22.000Z

Of course, it helps to have someone as fabulous as me on the phone to tell you where to go.  All the research, none of the sweat.  Go me. 

This was fun.  When are we doing it again?

Jzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

2004-04-30T21:51:09.000Z

Fortunately, I have never worked anywhere with even one miniscule iota of “teambuilding” or desire to “build team”.  On top of that, I’m the one who would be planning this shit, and I would NEVER subject anybody to this.  God, how lame!

-Julie

Ex-DMI Employee

2004-05-01T20:37:08.000Z

Sucks I wasn’t able to do this. I could put it in my balliwick with my starfish story.

T

2004-05-02T02:22:24.000Z

So just a follow-up to this little company outing…me and the other two guys on my team just hung out in a bar down the street for the afternoon until it was time to go back to the meeting place.  We drank some beer and managed to have good conversation that didn’t revolve around work at all.  There appeared to be at least one other team that did the same thing we did, though at a different bar.  I was quite pleased with our results.

Brett

2004-05-05T20:08:14.000Z

Yeah, well, I won.

1st place:
Team 7 (Brett Wilson, Andy Helge, David Pratt and Patrick Sullivan)

I’m on the phone with City of Austin utilities to get my service transferred…”Okay Mr. Holmes, I’m going to put you on hold for just a moment, I’ll be right back.”  I hear a click, then the hold music comes on…some trilly strings, happy little bass line, then a man’s voice sings:

You’re up all night thinkin’ about that girl…and never once think about counting sheep.

The message is clear.

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Comments

Mr. Peepers

2004-04-24T02:12:31.000Z

Oh, so it’s okay to pull one off while you’re chatting up the utility operator… but you try the same thing in the privacy of your own car, parked across the street from a high school sports field, and they send out jack-booted thugs to arrest you! Fascists.

So I just read that one of my new favorite bands, Denali, officially broke up as of today.  Check out http://www.jadetree.com for more info on those guys.  It’s sad for several reasons…one because I only recently discovered them, and did so in a roundabout kind of way: they were supposed to open for the Deftones when I saw them a couple of months ago, and for all I know they did, but by the time we got to the show the second opening band was already on, and they sucked ass.  Poison the Well, you suck ass.  I would have forgotten all about Denali, except that I read later on that Chino Moreno (Deftones vocalist) personally chose Denali to tour with them, which sort of piqued my interest since I would certainly like to get a look at Chino Moreno’s record collection…so then I saw their album at the listening station at Waterloo and took it as a sign, and that sign turned out to be a righteous one.  Ah the joy that comes with discovering a new band…and the sadness that comes when they are gone.  It’s also sad because I never got to see them live.  They were even here recently, but I was all “I don’t wanna go to Emo’s!” so I didn’t go.  It’s also sad, well, just because it is.  It’s always sad to me when a band I like calls it quits for whatever reason, be it artistic or personal differences (Soundgarden, Toadies) be it the death of a band member (Alice in Chains, Nirvana), be it the age-old feud betwixt charismatic lead singer and brilliant hotshot guitarist (Jane’s Addiction, Rage Against the Machine).  It doesn’t matter if they released one record or had a full rounded out career, they’re gone and barring a reunion, that means no more albums and no more tours, no more “oh my gosh, what will this next one sound like?!  What if it sucks?!  I bet it will be brilliant!”  Of course, what if it DID suck?  Then wouldn’t I prefer that they just call it quits?  I guess as long as they promise not to do any solo albums.

And I know you know what I’m talking about.

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Comments

Julie

2004-04-22T14:23:04.000Z

Wait ten years and they’ll probably reunite.  I have seen the Sex Pistols, Camper Van Beethoveen and I plan to see the Pixies, all bands that broke up years ago and reunited recently.  I mean, I have a knack for getting into bands just before they break up, (except for the Sex Pistols, they broke up before I was even born), and trust me, waiting makes them even better.  Finally seeing Camper Van Beethoveen was almost surreal it was so cool and I think I’ll probably pass out when I see the Pixies.  Now if the Smiths reunite, I can die a happy woman.  Me and about a million other people.

This also brings up a good point:  If you really, really, really love a band, don’t pass up a chance to see them live unless you absolutely have to.

Tarv

2004-04-22T16:37:23.000Z

That’s how I ended up getting to see Jane’s Addiction was on their reunion/relapse tour.  And they were kind enough to play their older catalog rather than a bunch of new stuff.

Just what is the proper way to inform a co-worker that they are displaying the horror typically referred to as “plumber pants” and that it is gross and that you want them to stop?  Just how does one go about doing this?

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Comments

Julie

2004-04-21T15:40:31.000Z

Announce in a loud voice, “Oh, my God, I can totally see your ass crack!”  Embarassment is key to making sure the behavior is not repeated.

Brett

2004-04-21T15:46:05.000Z

I just happened to be sitting next to Travis in the meeting yesterday where we both saw, but never mentioned, the plumber pants.

Of all the people I have seen do something about the plumber pants I think the best (aka worst) fix I ever witnessed was during my former years as a mechanic. Most shops that ever deal with tires have this little wand lubrication device that basically looks like a pipe cleaner or a small version of a toilet bowl cleaner. The lubricant they use on this wand has to be the most slimey viscous fluid known to man, it’s fucking nasty. In this shop we had this one guy who always had plumber crack showing almost as if he was doing it on purpose. One day, while this guy was working on a car and displaying his crack for all to see, a mechanic decided to grab the wand and lube that guys crack. I still have yet to see a grown man scream like I did that day. From that day on, we never saw an exposed crack in that shop again.

Maybe a tap on the shoulder would be a better idea.

Tara

2004-04-21T16:39:53.000Z

If I happen to bend over at work in such a way as to show my bum I have friends that let me know. Their favorite way to tell me that it has happened is to inform me what color underwear I am wearing. (This tactic may not work if the underpants have slipped (or are insufficient) and all you get to see is crack.

If all you see is crack you could perhaps ask them if they are wearing underwear. You can tell them that you weren’t sure, because all you see is bare butt. Or you could talk about diet and such to find out their measurements and suprise them with a gift belt to cinch up.

Eeeeeeeerin

2004-04-21T21:55:03.000Z

Assuming this guy isn’t gay, bi or “curious”, I’d give him a wink and tell him how much butt crack turns you on.  If need be, start elaborating on some crack fetish fantasy.  I image that would prompt him to buy some new pants, or at least invest in some high-cut underwear.

Le

2004-04-21T22:29:53.000Z

I prefer the old one-two compliment/em bare ass combo:

Comment on how you think he must be losing weight, as you can now see his ass crack because his pants are falling off. Then clench it with a friendly “but, it’s a nice ass.”

By the way, we have the same problem with the eighth grade girls  showing their thongs, maybe you should start a rumor that he’s a slut puppy.

Not to seem too dazed-and-confused or anything, but it just seems slightly wrong to be at work at 4:20 on 4-20.  Just plain wrong.  Who’s with me?

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Comments

slimy sprout

2004-04-20T21:33:52.000Z

I have to admit, that as I sat down upon my throne, relieved to be done with another meeting, I looked down at my watch and thought: “Hey, it’s 4:20 on 4-20. I wonder how many celebrations are going on right now.” But then I chastised myself “Stoner, go chain yourself to your computer.”

Now, I know, I am not alone.

The following is an excerpt from an actual conversation between two co-workers, which I happened to overhear.  Names have been changed to protect the guilty:

Tina and Stan sit in cubicles opposite from each other.  They’re working away like good workers.

Tina sneezes once.  Only once.

Stan:  Oh, I see you’re a single sneezer?
Tina:  (confused)  Well, I’m single and I sneeze.
Stan:  Oh I just meant that you only sneezed once.
Tina:  Oh.  Oh!  Right.  Yep, I usually only have single sneezes.  Pretty rare that I have more than one sneeze.
Stan:  Yep, me too, just single sneezes.  Now my wife on the other hand, she almost always has multiple sneezes.
Tina:  Really?
Stan:  Yep, she’ll just sneeze and sneeze and sneeze, over and over and over again, ‘til she’s completely worn out. 
Tina:  Yeah, I know a lot of girls who are able to have multiple sneezes.  I think it’s more common for women.
Stan:  I think you’re right.  Now that I think about it, most women I’ve known have been able to have multiple sneezes. 
Tina:  Yep, I believe it.  And most guys I know only sneeze once. 
Stan:  Yeah, if I sneeze once, it’s usually at least fifteen minutes or so until I can sneeze again.
Tina:  I’m pretty happy with my single sneezes though.  There’s only one, but they’re usually really intense.  I don’t know what I’d do if I had multiple sneezes all the time.  I’d probably be completely laid out. 
Stan:  Yep, that last one you had sounded pretty good.

All is quiet for a moment, just the sound of fingers striking keyboards, mouse buttons clicking and double-clicking. 

Tina sneezes again.  Everyone in earshot bursts into laughter.

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Comments

Jeff

2004-04-19T01:41:05.000Z

Oh, why don’t they just fuck in the supply closet and get it over with? Much better than embarrasment and recrimination after the office xmas party.

So after the house-closing yesterday, I swung by HEB to pick up a few things, among them a bottle of champagne with which Ashley and I could toast to our newfound home-owner status.  I got home and put it in the freezer to get it cold ASAP.  However, we totally forgot all about the stupid champagne…I went out to see the Ratgirls’ show at the Jackalope (which rocked!) and Ashley stayed home to be a good student and do her homework…lights dim, Travis and Ashley go to sleep…this morning, I’m getting our food together for the day.  I open up the freezer and before me lies champagne that is now the consistency of a slightly melted frozen margarita, swaddled in broken glass that once formed a bottle.  That’s about it really, I don’t have a nice neat wrap-up for this story.  There’s probably some beautiful over-arching symbolism to this story that either I’m too dense or it’s too early to realize.  Um, stay in school.

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Comments

E!

2004-04-14T16:03:47.000Z

I recall once putting a bottle of bubbly in Tim’s freezer.  It froze, burst and spilled all over the place, but it made the most beautiful frozen champagne fountain.  Seriously, it was like a work of art.

Well, perhaps I’ll be a little nicer about it than that, but either way, I am now a homeowner and can now yell at people of all ages to get off my damn lawn.  Yep, I tell ya what, I closed on that there house this afternoon and my head is spinning like a roach fallen in a margarita machine.  I’ve got a few moving debts out there that I’ll probably be cashing in at some point here in the next couple of weeks…you know who you are and I know where you live.  I am still of the mind to paint my office black eventually.  Yes entirely black.  It will be my own little writing hideout where I’ll go when I need to, well, write, not to mention put on absinthe-tinged puppet shows.  $5 at the door, no discounts.

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Comments

Tara

2004-04-14T07:47:40.000Z

Congratulations! I’m so glad that you get to yell at people that are on your lawn!!! That’s super cool. Where’s your new place located anyways?

Jeff

2004-04-14T20:12:08.000Z

Ya know, it occurs to me that a great solution to screaming nighrbor-spawn running through your yard is… a large cactus garden. That, and a computerized sprinkler system, with motion trackers. Looking forward to the absinthe-tinged puppet shows. Do the spectators get absinthe too?

They’re making headlines.

heehee.

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Comments

Tara

2004-03-31T17:47:54.000Z

BIG Groan. That one is going to stick with me for the rest of the day.

Brett

2004-04-01T17:55:23.000Z

That sucks, I had headlines.

Once upon a time there were a bunch of hens.  These hens spent a lot of their time together in the henhouse.  One of the hens’ favorite things to do was to talk about other hens.  The roosters across the way also got a big kick out of talking about other roosters.  And when the hens and the roosters got together, they did the same thing.  They simply could not get enough of talking about other hens and other roosters.  Of course they would never talk about a hen or a rooster who was present, as that would be impolite.  The hens and roosters were all patient enough to wait for somebody to leave so that they could talk about them.  They found it particularly enjoyable to talk about a hen or a rooster that they did not know very well, and if perhaps they didn’t know a particular hen or rooster’s situation or background very well, it was easy enough to take what little they knew and simply use that to extrapolate the rest of the story, or at least the story as they imagined it.  It went on this way forever and ever.  The end.

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Comments

Tara

2004-03-30T06:46:02.000Z

No offense but Holmes’s Fables aren’t particularly uplifting.  I liked Chicken Run better.