Chunks of Sadness

Apr 15, 2004

I just had my first “low carb” candy. No, I did not buy it, it was free for the taking, which just goes to show that there’s truth in ye ol’ adage about how the best things in life aren’t free.

How should I describe it?…it’s like eating manic depression. Before you is this perfect little chocolate cup wrapped in tantalizing, vibrant foil, and the color and shape alone causes taste buds to jump up and down in fits and squeals of girlish glee, salivating for that burst of cocoa goodness, the dizzying highs, the inebriated joy of ooey-gooey confectionate sex…until you take a bite. That’s when the bottom drops out…

and you fall…

way…

down.

There is no joy in caramel-flavored lard, saccharine chocolate and the most pithy pecan pieces picked from the good green earth. All the tea in China cannot wash this foul taste out of my mouth.

What evil spawned this misery and called it candy? I can picture some sweatshop in Taiwan where blind, leg-less orphans are forced to solder lard and chocolate together while being beaten with wet bamboo to an endless loop of Robert Smith’s mournful wailing. You can taste the sad, sad tears of pathetic, hopeless third-world defeat. It’s an abomination. Candy is suppose to be a good thing. Personally, I’d rather have a micro-bite of real chocolate than a whole candy bar of suicidal tendencies. Life is just too short to eat inferior food to please some misguided notion that the scrawny skank on TV is actually a better person because of her size-four jeans.

And while we’re at it, I believe we’ve had just about enough of this low-carb fad. For me, the breaking point was a “Low Carbys at Arby’s” ad. Something just snapped. Now, I’m not saying that the low carb diets are bullshit. It is true that cutting out excessive sugars, starches and filler carbohydrates is key to successful weight loss. But frankly, people are morons. They don’t bother to learn the science behind the diet, or why and how it works. They want fast and easy weight loss without any effort, just like their hamburgers. Even worse, they think that they can lose weight without exercise. Well, a pish and a posh to that notion. Hey, remember the fat-free fad where as long as it was fat-free you could eat as much as you wanted? It’s funny to witness some dumb bunny picking his/her way through a salad and then wolfing down a jumbo bag of Skittles because “it’s fat free”. And I don’t mean funny ha-ha, I mean funny oh-that’s-so sad.

First of all, unless you are clinically obese, it is not about losing weight, it’s about obtaining a healthy body. With that in mind, remember:

Fad diets are like fad fashion…it is briefly lived and reflected upon with utter embarrassment. If you don’t believe me, when was the last time you wore stirrup pants?
Get your flabby ass to the gym/park/class/sports team/etc.
Moderation is a beautiful thing.
Don’t feed the beast, and by beast, I mean the Crapadillo Corpo Monkeys charging twice as much for bad products by taking out everything that makes them taste good and slapping an Atkins logo on the packaging.
Eat well, get some exercise, have fun, be happy. You’ll look good and feel great.

Comments

Tarv

2004-04-19T18:13:06.000Z

I totally agree with your post, though every time I look at the title, all I can think of is “Full of Sorrow” from Goth-Talk on SNL.

Julie

2004-04-19T20:26:17.000Z

I have this on tape somewhere. It’s a sketch from the MTV Comedy Hour where Robert Smith is like crying and eating this chocolate that tastes really bad. I think it’s made of like really bitter chocolate and lard or something. It’s very amusing and I am happy to see Erin reference it. Of course, now I know what I’m doing next week, trying to find this clip!

Erin

2004-04-20T19:37:38.000Z

Rock! I was wondering if anyone would catch my obscure reference to the MTV half-hour comedy hour skit that ran so many, many moons ago. I’ve never forgotten “Chunks of Sadness”…I seem to recall that it was something like metal chunks covered in lard and dipped in unsweetened white chocolate. If you find that tape, call me up, cuz I’ve gots to sees it.

Anonymous

2004-05-17T21:03:38.000Z

I guess I didn’t watch enough TV…I feel so culturally depraved.