I’m sure everyone is aware of my ongoing study of names…well, I came across this little gem of a time waster: The “Rename Yourself” name generator at WWW.BABYNAMES.COM. A simple way to see what your name could be should you decide to change it to fit any one of eight personality traits. The results, while humorous, illustrate just how unbelievably stupid our nation has become in the nomenclature of children. These are the actual results for my given name, Erin Dianne: [Stylish Name] TRIAGE MIGNON - I’m speechless. First, there is nothing stylish about this name. Second, how much crack does the average fuck-monkey have to chomp down to even consider naming a tiny helpless baby after meat and first aid? These two words have no place on a menu together, let alone a birth certificate. “There’s a mignon bleeder in triage, give me 40 units of steak sauce stat!” * * * * * [Traditional Name] LEAH PAPRIKA - Well, Leah is a traditional name, and paprika is a traditional spice, but I can no more name myself Paprika than I could mix one teaspoon of Leah into my Chicken Napoli. * * * * * [Wild Name] VARUNA PINK - Wild is one way to describe this name, skanky would be another. Varuna Pink or Vagina Pink, they both belong on the cover of Coochie Capers Part VI: Super Cock versus the Cum Suck Sluts of Planet Uranus. * * * * * [Natural Name] OKAPI GALENA - I don’t think we have the same definition of the word “natural”. Isn’t an okapi a large African folivore noted as the only mammal able to clean its ears with its own tongue? Isn’t that a horrible allegory of hygine to have on your mailbox? “Hi, my name is Okapi Parsnip Beansprout, and I don’t believe in deodorant.” * * * * * [Philosophical Name] CHAKA YOLAND - I once dreamt that I was a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a powerhouse funk singer? “Chanson, papillon, chanson chanson. I wanna rock you, Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan!“…next, please. * * * * * [Quiet Name] KELPY NEVIAH