Originally written 08-22-2006

So I’ve been thinking about the fact that I haven’t written anything about Stella. I have no clue why I can’t write about the mystery of childhood or what not. It’s odd. I don’t take interesting pictures and write about them. But I do find I’ve been getting more attached to her. For whatever reason I find it hard to get attached to things and she unfortunately wasn’t an exception. But, she gets to be more fun. On Sunday we did some cooking together before her patience was exhausted. A week ago I held out a bowl of smoked paprika to smell, but she wanted to chew on the side. I’m not sure she can smell yet, at least not in the action verb form. I’m sure she can passively smell.
I read a lot about traditional gender roles and paternalism etc on other blogs, and I feel like I’m falling into those traps no matter how hard I try. Ultimately, Julie is Stella’s primary caregiver. I know that’s how it has to be on principal. I have to be away from the home for about 45 hours a week, but I still just have this overwhelming feeling of guilt anytime I avoid a diaper or have to abdicate one of my duties to Julie. But at the same time I’m a human, and a very tired human at that, and it’s so easy to just give in and take the easy way out. I guess I’m probably not doing that badly. But I still feel like I’m not connecting.

And holy crap, a Capital Metro security guard just showed up… I think I have to move on to the next post. I was going to write about generational change not happening in one generation, but the bus is too crazy right now.

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Comments

Travis

2006-09-01T17:21:13.000Z

Thanks for posting this, it is always refreshing to see good honest posts about parenting.  I’m starting to understand what they mean about parenting being the kind of experience that brings all your best and your worst to the surface.  I’ve only been at this dad thing a few months longer than you so I’m hardly an expert, but I can say that I know how you feel.  My ideal dad-self is the involved and in-tune dad who’s never too tired to play and never gets impatient and is able to easily put his own wants and needs on the backburner, all the while being a great husband and still maintaining focus on his own interests and activities.  Basically the perfect modern fun dad who has shirked off the outdated role of the distant paternal figure who comes home from work and spends all evening in the den wearing his cardigan and smoking a pipe…if he’s home at all.  Where’d that cardigan and pipe thing come from?  I don’t know.  Point is, reality falls somewhere between ideal and failure, hopefully closer to the ideal end of the spectrum.  Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Tim

2006-09-01T18:26:11.000Z

but my dad would come home put on a cardigan and take a nap until dinner was ready. So 2/3 of the stereotype right there. He might have had the pipe if my mom wasn’t so anti-smoking.

Travis

2006-09-01T20:37:49.000Z

…I was going off of some kind of ‘50’s imagery there.  Which brings up another question…I wonder if we’ll be the last generation raised under the ghost of the idea that the ‘50’s were some kind of utopian decade, even though none of us were alive and we all know better.