Copyright Denied
COPYRIGHT DENIED
Timothy
Thomas
I've been writing for twenty years on this. I think it's been twenty years, but I'm not really quite clear on that front. I've been back and forth, and it's become several different novels. My great American novel. Except it's just short. And boring. Quite short and boring. That's why I've been writing this long. Every time I think I've written it someone else writes the entire thing, brings it to market, copyrights it and I'm back to square one. That's what irritates me the most. I'm only ¾ through and they ruin the ending! Every single time.
My editor says I'm completely derivative. I am completely lacking in unique style. You could say that I have no voice. I've been staring at what I have, and it hasn't been coming to me at all. To say that I haven't had any good thoughts lately, well that would be quoting myself. Except another publisher owns that work, and I'm not allowed to be self-referential. We're not on good terms.
(we're in an office. A quite normal office. In fact any sign of taste or culture would make the place look common.)
beatrice
Well that's what I think Hillary, but what do you think? Personally I think decoration makes a room look common. I don't shop in catalogs or malls. I fell that everything I buy looks exactly like someone else's. They've got your demographic pinned down. Go talk to other people like yourself. Other people who read witty post-modern American writers who satirize popular culture. Other people who listen to Anglophile alt-rock and think the radio sucks. Other people who love Arts & Crafts design and think most things today are cheap and plastic. I guarantee that over 99.59% of your possessions will be in their house. The only way to truly differentiate yourself is to have things that everyone else has. And by everyone I mean the full 100%. It's that 0.41% of objects that can distinguish you. The important thing is to have things that people don't realize they have. The objects must be so boring that they've been completely forgotten. For instance, everyone has a white sheet.
HILLARY
Mine are all eggshell.
BEATRICE
That's not the point Hillary. No one sees YOUR white sheet and thinks, “Oh my God! Hillary has a white sheet exactly like mine!” No one says that. Has it ever happened to you Hillary? It's as though the sheet is invisible. By cloaking yourself in completely invisible material possessions, you can create a unique representation of yourself. That is originality. Putting the random commonality into a unique whole.
(She punches into her computer viciously. Drawing out her daemons.)
Beatrice (cont.)
My franc-sys legal check lists that in your latest manuscript there are over 1400 copy written and/or trademarked words, “phrase-lets” or ideas. I haven't had time to get a human pair of eyes on it. What do you think? From experience do you think we should add another third or would that be low balling it?
Hillary
Oh c'mon. Everything's copy written.
BEATRICE
Remember to think about the white sheet Hillary. Once your create a pattern, you have more thank likely copied someone else. You need to stick with the white sheet. The cool blankness. Visualize the white sheet. The nearly-invisible complexity. For instance here:
(we are at Cone filter Coffee Shop. Inside sit JOE and DANA. There could theoretically be other characters in this dimly list room, but HILLARY is not one for verisimilitude. By the way, DANA really needs to be horrifically underage, and JOE probably shouldn't have showered lately.)
Eighteen is a very big milestone, baby. For so many reasons. (he leers) But baby, it's about so much more, and you know, I didn't want to get you the usual stuff. The trite shit.
DANA
Yeah.
JOE
The cash. The car. The ceramic bear wearing a mortar board. A copy of “My Utmost for his Highest”
DANA
I got two.
JOE
Ceramic Bears?
DANA
Nah, two copies of “My Utmost...”
JOE
Christians.
DANA
Why won't the leave me alone? They're like so, sanctimonious, and shit.
JOE
That's why I bought you this. “Thus spoke Zarathustra” by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
Dana
Oh.
JOE
It'll blow your mind baby.
DANA
I heard it was good.
JOE
Yeah.
DANA
Yeah. Very deep, and like it's supposed to be real dark and stuff.
(JENNA comes out from behind the bar. She should be the sort of actress who you would immediately recognize as a main character. Except her talents are being horribly wasted here. Everyone knows there are no good roles for women)
JENNA
Hey Joe?
JOE
Yeah, what's up?
JENNA
You still looking into a vasectomy?
JOE
What are you talking about? (incredulous) What? She's legal.
DANA
I'm eighteen.
JOE
See. She's eighteen.
JENNA
Eighteen. Really.
DANA
Today.
(a look from JENNA)
DANA (cont.)
I turned eighteen today.
JENNA
Joe she doesn't even have her driver's license. Now get back behind the counter before your name and address are posted on a state run website and you get a sign for your front yard.
(we're at HILLARY’S house. At her writing table. It is as described. The arts and crafts furniture. The cool offbeat posters for American bands that sing with British accents. The Douglas Coupland and Brett Easton Ellis.)
HILLARY
Ok. So I know it's not original. But Beatrice... Beatrice comes back with 1400 places I have infringed on someone else's copyright. Let's see... (flips through papers on desk) I can't do Coffee Houses or Coffee and especially not Nietzsche relative to the aforementioned. Oswald Chamber's estate – Utmost Inc. - absolutely will not allow references to his work on the same page with profanity. We could possibly get the rights to male genital mutilation, but Beatrice doesn't feel that we would recoup the costs. The Lolita and Lecher are completely sewn up, as is the smart-aleck best friend. And due to the deregulation of the legal industry, mentioning a well know law is sure to wrack up a huge cost. So I was left with nothing. I am back to Beatrice's blank sheet. Visualize the white sheet.
(JOE leers at DANA. DANA winks back suggestively. JOE gives DANA a book. You would now which book even if you hadn't seen the previous scene. That's how obvious this is. The phone rings on HILLARY’S desk)
BEATRICE
(by phone)
Hillary is that really the best direction? Is that really what we've been talking about? In 1987 James Jimenez-Mousenwald wrote the groundbreaking Die Verwandlung Kueh. It blew away the literary world with it's frank discussions between twenty-something New York Coffee House Dwellers on Nietzsche, Nuclear War, and Bob Dylan. But the mind blowing thing. The completely original part. The reason it set the world on fire. It was completely non-verbal. The character's didn't speak a word.
(HILLARY slams down the phone)
HILLARY
And that's pretty much it. That pretty much sums up the entire conversation nicely. I've been stunted by Jimenez-Mousenwald. Where can you go from there? I am certainly not the caliber of writer who can go up, and below me has certainly gotten very crowded. I think there should be somewhere to go, but hell if I can figure it out.
(she resumes typing. we see the opening of a scene as MALE FULLER swings an enormous stuffer bald eagle at JEAN, beaming him over a couch and onto the floor)
PRESIDENT
(Pointing at JEAN)
What'd you do to her? Is she dead?
FULLER
Doubtful.
PRESIDENT
She looks dead.
(touches JEAN)
PRESIDENT (cont.)
Ick! Feels dead too.
FULLER
That's ridiculous.
PRESIDENT
She feels dead.
FULLER
She shouldn't have run at me. Who runs at a man with a bald eagle?
PRESIDENT
Killed her outright.
FULLER
I did not.
PRESIDENT
You did. Look at her. Dead. That's dead. That's what dead looks like.
FULLER
That's also what sleep looks like too.
PRESIDENT
I doubt she's sleeping after you goosed her with that eagle.
FULLER
She's not dead.
PRESIDENT
Goosed her good.
FULLER
Since you're so concerned perhaps we should call-
PRESIDENT
Nah. How could you hit a girl?
FULLER
Call an ambulance?
PRESIDENT
Nah, no reason. (slaps JEAN) You know slugging the bill's author is not going to keep it from passing. And I'm sure she'll come to shortly and then you'll be arrested for assault. (slaps JEAN again). Jean. Jean. Jeanie. Wake up.
FULLER
(holding up phone receiver)
How 'bout it?
PRESIDENT
Really. No reason. You're coming to right Jean? See that she just moved her arm. That arms going to carry the legislation to the Senate floor tomorrow morning. You can bet on that.
FULLER
It didn't move. You just kicked it. I'm calling for help.
PRESIDENT
No.
FULLER
Yes. The woman needs help.
PRESIDENT
You will get arrested and we'll have the rights to the novel anyway, and the bill will pass.
FULLER
That's fine.
PRESIDENT
Wow, you really did clean her clock. And with a national icon no less.
FULLER
Sometimes you have to make do-
PRESIDENT
Injuring a bald eagle's a felony. Add the assault charge on top of that. This is not your day.
FULLER
The bald eagle was dead.
PRESIDENT
Like that matters.
FULLER
It was stuffed.
PRESIDENT
You don't get to import the ivory just because the elephant is dead.
FULLER
I'm calling.
PRESIDENT
No.
(puts hand on phone hanging it up)
FULLER
Really. I agree with you. The woman needs an ambulance.
PRESIDENT
I can't let you do that.
(picking presidents hand off of phone. starts dialing the rotary phone)
PRESIDENT
(putting pen into rotary dial. stopping it from turning).
Really. I'd prefer not to be in the same room as her.
FULLER
You should have though of that before you invited us in here.
(he karate chops the pencil and continues dialing)
PRESIDENT
I'm sorry I have to do this.
(he picks up the phone and begins beating FULLER about the head and shoulders with it)
PRESIDENT
But it's really, very important that none of us be in the same room. Ever. It would be a very, (bang) very, (bang) big (bang) waste (bang) of money.
(suddenly the door opens and a bunch of cameras start clicking. we see a video camera, PRESIDENT drops phone and raises bloody hands)
PRESIDENT
No. No it's not like that. It's not- It's just- Well it's very simple. I was attacked. These are my kidnappers. You all know I was kidnapped this morning. And they came back to kidnap me again. Simple. Very very simple.
(the PRESIDENT slowly cracks his face into a grin as the sweat and blood drip down his forehead. Slow lights out as we watch the PRESIDENT sweating and hear the cameras clicking)
So I've moved on to political intrigue. I worry that I'm still writing about my interviews with the Clavell, LeCarre and Steele Literary Foundation. I'd begged them for months for the interview. Then I get in there and they're pretty blunt. Move to India or no job. I hadn't really thought about India. Apparently that's where all the airport novels are written these days. Legacy of the British empire. No one knows political intrigue mixed with tea like the Indians. But I thought I could do it. The genre needs some young blood. I'm sure I'm at least as good as some underpaid hacks in India. After all, Americans invented the layover. I can take the pay cut, and I like curry. But no dice. They didn't want me.
(she gets up takes her manuscript, walks over to BEATRICE’S office. Puts the manuscript on her desk)
HILLARY (Cont.)
Political thriller.
BEATRICE
Interesting.
HILLARY
Thanks.
BEATRICE
No really. Political thrillers do well in election years.
HILLARY
It has some white sheet. The unoriginal. The unique un-uniqueness. It's got a President. A Vice-President. Some politics.
BEATRICE
That's fine as long as the United States doesn't patent the Democratic process. (beat) That's a joke.
HILLARY
Why? (beat) It's also got some original stuff. I'm pretty sure the taxidermied bald eagle is not derivative.
BEATRICE
I'll run the legal-check over it. Political thriller, huh? I should introduce you to my Fuller.
HILLARY
I have a character in book named Fuller-
BEATRICE
Fuller Stephanson.
HILLARY
That's the name of the main character in my book. Did I tell you the plot already?
BEATRICE
No. Fuller is the reporter in my real life. Political circuit. Mostly smaller stuff. You listen to the radio right?
HILLARY
So that's how I ended up meeting Fuller Stephanson. Fuller Stephanson – the voice on the radio. The grating sound that wakes me up in the morning. Accompanies me to work. Accompanies me home. And sometimes is with me as I sun myself on the weekends. The voice that had insinuated its name into the very fabric of my work. The voice that had fabricated an entire life inside my head. Unfortunately, now that I'm talking about it I don't have a clue what that voice sounds like. (to Beatrice) That'd be great. You know Fuller Stephanson?
BEATRICE
Yeah. Quite well.
HILLARY
So there won't be any legal problems?
BEATRICE
You'll need to change the name.
HILLARY
Of course.
BEATRICE
Simple search and replace. So you'd like to meet with Fuller?
HILLARY
I'm sure that nothing can hurt the book at this point.
BEATRICE
Fuller's really quite good at what-
HILLARY
No I meant-
BEATRICE
10 years reporting internationally.
HILLARY
Sorry.
BEATRICE
Quite respected.
HILLARY
I was referring to the state of the book.
BEATRICE
You need to be more confident Hillary. It'll show in your work. Would you like for me to set it up so that Fuller drops by some night this week? Any night you'd prefer?
HILLARY
You know me. Unemployed and free as can be.
BEATRICE
Great.
HILLARY
Great.
HILLARY
That Thursday night I get a knock on the door. I was figuring it was Fuller. Oddly insistent. (sound of knocking) Just like a cocky reporter to knock like that.
(she opens the door, a man and a woman in sun glasses)
BRUCE
Mind if we come in?
(they step inside)
HILLARY
Yes.
JEAN
Thank you.
HILLARY
I meant I mind. Can I help you?
(JEAN closes the door)
BRUCE
Bruce.
JEAN
Jean.
BRUCE
We've just come to retrieve the manuscript.
HILLARY
Sorry.
JEAN
You're writing a novel, correct?
BRUCE
A political novel. Involves the President committing criminal acts.
JEAN
Do you think the President capable of criminal acts?
BRUCE
Do you think the president has or is currently conspiring to commit criminal acts?
JEAN
Good question Bruce. Perhaps against your own person?
(beat. HILLARY looks at both of them).
HILLARY
No. I mean-
JEAN
Yes?
HILLARY
I mean-
JEAN
(putting words in HILLARY's mouth)
Yes.
HILLARY
Don't put words in my mouth.
BRUCE
You had considered the possibility.
HILLARY
No, not really. Well I guess I had, because I did. In my book. But not specifically.
BRUCE
This specific crime?
JEAN
Or specifically committing the crime in your book?
HILLARY
Why are you here?
JEAN
We've come to pickup all copies of your manuscript.
HILLARY
How do you know about that?
BRUCE
We're with Solviant.
HILLARY
Solviant Solutions. A wholly owned division of Solviant L.L.P.
BRUCE
We provide the publishing market with a turnkey solution for legal checking tools.
HILLARY
So you make the legal checkers. You make my life hell.
BRUCE
Thank you, but no.
JEAN
We don't make legal checkers.
HILLARY
You make turnkeys?
(they stare at her blankly)
BRUCE
In 1997 in the Congressional Budget was a rider requiring that all digital devices with embedded digital rights management tools-
JEAN
Everything from DVD Recorders to speak-and-spells-
BRUCE
contain technology to detect the fingerprint of a deranged mind.
HILLARY
You guys are reading our thoughts?
JEAN
No.
BRUCE
Because that's impossible.
JEAN
Obviously.
BRUCE
What we're doing is much simpler.
HILLARY
I thought someone was stealing all my best ideas.
JEAN
No we just observe the bits and bytes as they pass through our solution.
BRUCE
The solution doesn't have the means to transmit anything back except statistics.
JEAN
Completely harmless.
HILLARY
Unless of course I match a statistical pattern. Then you get sent everything?
BRUCE
Well, sure, but very rarely do people match statistical patterns.
JEAN
And we only get sent the text under those circumstances. We can't simply request the text from someone's device.
BRUCE
Normally it's just the patterns of your typing. What words you group together. What letters appear most frequently. That's what we get. Numbers and letters.
JEAN
The FBI has statistics that fingerprint deranged minds. Everything from graffiti vandals-
BRUCE
Excessive use of vowels, the letters 'B', 'F', and 'G'. Predilection to 4 and 5 letter words.
JEAN
To serial killers.
BRUCE
Love of primary colors. Childish imagery. Complete lack of violence.
JEAN
It's very scientific.
BRUCE
Highly accurate.
HILLARY
So what does this mean?
BRUCE
We've come for your manuscript.
HILLARY
Yes, but what does that mean. What is the significance of you showing up here? Am I under arrest?
BRUCE
No we just need your manuscript.
JEAN
You may be under arrest.
BRUCE
But that's not a service we provide.
JEAN
Well, it's a service that Solviant provides, but that's another department – Enforcement Solutions. We're in Aggregation Solutions-
JEAN
We simply collect evidence.
HILLARY
Evidence of what?
JEAN
Evidence, evidence.
BRUCE
Like on TV evidence. You know.
JEAN
Evidence.
HILLARY
Why do you need my copy? It sounds like you've read the version I gave my-
BRUCE
We just need all the copies.
JEAN
In case there are differences. Scribblings in the margins. Handwritten pages tucked in.
BRUCE
Unpublished manuscripts.
JEAN
You understand.
HILLARY
But why me?
BRUCE
It's nothing personal.
JEAN
Your numbers just ring up.
HILLARY
But I'm not crazy.
BRUCE
When you take the ratios of word and phraselets and compare them to the sides of toilets, walls of back alleys, and cheap poetry 'zines, well they happen to point to the fact that-
JEAN
statistically speaking-
BRUCE
You're about to fall out of your rocking chair.
JEAN
Go off the train tracks.
HILLARY
(perhaps too desperately)
I'm not. Trust me. (they survey each other) But Fine. Take it. You can have it.
BRUCE
Thank you.
HILLARY
It's not that good anyway. And it's not like anyone was going to publish it anyway.
(she starts rummaging)
BRUCE
Hey, hey-
JEAN
Calm down there-
(they start looking frightened)
BRUCE
Don't do anything rash.
JEAN
We're not the bad guys are we Bruce?
BRUCE
No Jean we are certainly not. We just do what we're told.
HILLARY
Here-
(she thrusts a disk at them. they flinch)
HILLARY (cont.)
Is the soft copy. And here-
(she thrusts a dog-eared manuscript at them)
HILLARY(cont.)
is my copy of the manuscript. Anything else you need?
JEAN
Hey don't shoot the messenger.
BRUCE
We're just doing our job.
HILLARY
Right-
(they walk out)
HILLARY (cont.)
